When I was first laying in hospital completely unable to move I was calmer than you might have expected. Yes, I got upset when I needed help and I was frustrated. But, at that point I believed I would get better. Nobody told me I wouldn't. As the doubt crept in so did the fear. The first question I asked the physio, one I have heard others ask since, and one I expect they hear all the time was "will I walk again"? Well I can walk, just not well and not unaided. I hadn't really thought it through when I asked the question. Don't get me wrong, I am HUGELY grateful I can walk its just that I did not realise that it is possible to walk with so much still wrong and such limited function. I think that I assumed that if I would eventually be able to walk I would be, well, better. Maybe a small limp or something. I cannot walk without a stick, then I need a foot splint or an electric stimulator. I cant lift my left foot at the ankle properly. These basically stop me falling over my own foot. Then there are the problems I have with my core stability, my calf muscles, glute's, balance......etc...etc. If you lead me to the middle of a field and took away my splint and my stick and left me barefoot I would literally be rooted to the spot. Far from the "walking" I had a vision of in my head.

Yesterday I got very frustrated because my mum had to put a bench together for me - she bought it for me so I can sit just outside the backdoor with a cuppa. I cant help it. Lists of things that I will never be able to do again form in my head. Some things I was never going to do in the 1st place, climb Everest, skydive, run a marathon, but then I realised I will never run again. Not even a metre, not at all, not ever. Then I realise I will eventually forget what it feels like to run. I don't know if this will make it easier or worse. If I cant remember what it feels like, can I miss it?

The bench looks nice.